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Sexual Abuse

A Question of Abuse

"I'm a 24 year-old young man who has been confined to a wheelchair and severely disabled since I was hit by a car at age 5. Intellectually I'm fine, but my physical movements are severely restricted. My question is more about getting your advice rather asking a specific question.

When I was in my last year of high school [Australia], I had just turned 16. My new aide was a 32 year-old married woman with 2 daughters aged 8. My interest in her was entirely professional until she kissed me on the lips. After that I had a crush on her.

Her kisses became frequent and soon enough we were dating. She took me out places and one week vacating with her husband, kids, and parents, we had sex. It was a horrid experience with so many people around and all. I never ever asked for sex, kisses or the frequent oral sex she performed on me when I was in the toilet. I just wasn't interested in any of that.

We had sex one last time before the relationship ended. Not another word was said about it which made me feel more used than before; it felt like it never happened.

I kept it secret for 7 years. My family is disgusted and infuriated, and the woman has left the city because it was revealed what had happened. She herself was abused as a girl and I'm really confused about whether it was in fact abuse or not. I just don't understand it. I'm not sure whether the issue should be taken further (she now works in child protection) or whether I should just move on.

Her daughters were my best friends until last year when the story was out. They hate my guts now and think I'm a liar who's ruining everyone. What do you think Kim? I could not possibly be the bad guy, could I?"


Kim Martyn:
No, you are not the bad guy. This was not your fault. You were right to talk about this abuse... because it was abuse.

Sometimes people get confused when a woman abuses a guy, they think 'don't all guys just live to get laid?' Not without consent, not when you can't say, 'I don't feel like this.' And you can't say that very easily when the other person is in a position of power over you. Your caregiver had a huge amount of power over you. She was much older and experienced, but mostly she was in charge of your physical care!

The fact that this woman had been abused may help explain her actions, but it doesn't excuse her. Given her profession, you may well want to consider taking further action. That would include notifying any regulating association she may be a member of, and even taking legal action. It's rare that this kind of abuse is confined to only one person... and other people may not be as old or open to communication as you.

Continue to talk about this as long as you need to and consider joining a survivor's support group if you can. Thanks for sharing your story!


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